Part II. The Door. (Or How God is Teaching Me to Stop Worrying About the War Inside Me and Love the Bombardment of Opportunity).

In John chapter 9, Jesus is talking to some Pharisees and his Disciples. He is trying to explain to everyone who is listening that He is no just a prophet, but the Son of Man. He is the only way to Heaven and He is desperately wanting to save them all.

I am the door. Whoever enters through me will. be. saved.

Jesus is metaphorically telling them that He is their ticket to Heaven. He is the gate keeper, the bouncer,literally the frame in which they must pass through to reach God. He is our doorway to a better life, to redemption.


Like most people who call themselves Christians, I've walked through that door. What I struggle with now is the next door. Or the forty of them that stand before me, closed.


I've always been a fan of the mantra that God will open doors for us to show us the way. Since January, I have applied for over 40 jobs. Most of them in the engineering world. Some in Atlanta, some in DC. A few in Colorado, California, Chicago, and Texas, just to mix it up a little bit.

My only problem is that all the doors I am standing before are apparently nailed shut.

Standing infront of 100 people and telling them that you don't know what you are going to do with the rest of your life is a sobering opportunity that I think everyone should go through. It makes lots of people give you lots of advice and plants lots of seeds in your head about what you should be doing. Maybe I haven't been knocking on the right doors. Maybe I'm not knocking hard enough and God wants me to kick some doors in. Maybe there is a door around the corner I haven't seen yet that is standing wide open.

The only conclusion that I've come to for now is that there are too many doors. And none of them matter. There is one door I've already passed through, and its the only one I should worry about. Since that door is always open, why worry about others being closed? I don't need any other doors. I don't need satisfaction in how many open before me.

God has an open doorway before me that I have already entered, and it is beautiful. It leads to a place that is of unspeakable glory and is better than anything imaginable. Through Him, I've found peace. I've been given hope.


Now it is just a matter of prayer and patience until God leads me further down His path that I started on once I crossed that threshold many years ago.

Hope. Faith. Joy.

Hope.

Faith.

Joy.

Three small words. Three big ideas that I constantly struggle with.

Hope that I will succeed in life, hope that I won't fail.
Faith in God, that His plan will unfold before my eyes.
Joy in the little things, daily finding happiness in my blessings.

Right now, I'm trying to trust. I have no clue where God is sending me right now, except for marrying a special girl in October. I always thought I'd have a job lined up by graduation, that I'd be making so much money- have things figured out.

I know this is God trying to teach me patience and trust, but it is hard. But I sit. and I wait. Hoping. Trying to find joy amongst angst. Putting my faith in something greater. Praying for His plan to unfold.

Part 1

We are living a story of redemption.

Amidst a world of lost, amongst people searching for a hope to cling to. They are aimless and without passion. We are caught in their wake. Of despair. Of depression. Most of all, desperation.

As our story unfolds, it is caught in the rocks.

Smothered by the debris of those around us.

We lose sight of the sun.

Of the Son.

The light that is fighting against the loss is so easily hidden as we are tossed and turned.

We lose sight of the sun.

Of the Son.

The one thing that is trying to pull us up, pull us out, pull us away from death.

We are living a story of redemption.

There is only One who is fighting for us. The world is turning against us.

There is no hope. Not in the news, not in the politics. Not in money or fame.

When we stray and turn away, He still is.

He is. There. He is. Forever. He is. I AM.

This story is unfolding before us. It is moving and changing and living. We are living.

We are living a story of redemption.

Due to Scrubs

I need to let go of my destiny
I need to trust in things unseen
I believe in having faith
Though I yield my control

I forgot how quickly things can change
Now my vision can not be the same

I'm embracing all of my fears
I am watching them turn to delight
The very fears which were gripping my mind
Are now the hands shaping and sculpting my dreams


I'm in the process of figuring a lot of things out. My mind feels like it is bursting at the seems one moment, and completely empty the next. God, I could use some clarity. I'm waiting for some guidance and for some enlightenment. I think I would like nothing more that to have God come into my life as a tangible person right now that I could sit and discuss life with. Someone I can go get coffee and just listen to their wisdom about this world we are currently inhabiting.

For now, I'll just have to settle for prayer and reflection and some fellow followers who are caught up in the same existence as me.

Because of Jesus

God uses the most impromptu situations to tell me that His plan for me is unfolding. Random conversations in unlikely, unscheduled places make me realize how blessed I am to be redeemed and how set apart the followers of Christ really are.

I guess it boils down to a bit of naivety with a mix of love for others and the belief that everyone loves other people too. When asked what I plan on doing when I graduate (or sometimes me just telling people without them asking), I share my calling to go overseas and help other people, usually it involves me putting my engineering skills to work for those that need the most help. And I really don't see it as being a big deal. Until a buddy of mine in the library today looked at me with complete shock when I unfolded this plan before him. He stared for a while, then just chuckled and remarked

"Man, Ben, I'm glad there are people like you out there. I look at people in Africa and think 'That sucks...oh well'. "

It just is something, or more specifically Someone, deep inside me that just innately calls me to serve others and to spread love to what Jesus called 'the least of these'. For me it seems only natural to have these desires and I don't think twice about it. Unfortunately, the rest of the world doesn't feel the same way. Which just acts as a greater motivation for us to live as people of change. People of love. People who care enough about the rest of humanity and their physical, and more importantly spiritual, needs that they will give up cushy jobs and comfortable futures in order to show the world that God is the one who saves.

I am cursed, but I am redeemed

There is such conflict in our world that is represented by every aspect of human perception. Light versus dark. An innate good verse evil.


Love or hate.


And it amazes me how much everyone is affected by this struggle. Everyone wants to be loved and yet we battle against it, so influenced by evil and hate and it rages out against others. The entire world is plagued by the war that ensues daily, every minute, against our souls and against our mind, whether we will be influenced by the angel or the demon on our shoulder.

The angel or the demon. Such a childish, silly concept; a cartoonists representation. But its screaming of the truth. C.S. Lewis wrote the demonic narrative about the planning and scheming of the demons that plague the unseen parts of this world. Led by the one who's name literally means brightness, the morning star, second in beauty only to God himself. In his jealousy of God's power, the liar and murderer venges to destroy what He has created. These lies that he spews entrap so easily and put an end to all life that has been given.

We have redemption. Christ has given us hope. Jesus literally conquered death, and not just in the literal sense, but put an end to the destruction of the father of lies. All we have to do is trust in Him.

But I forget that so often. I listen to the words of guilt whispered to me, give in to the temptation and resulting shame that is thrust upon me. The serpent is so covinous that I am lost in a fog of disillusionment, loosing sight of the Light that has been shown to me. Along with the rest of the human race, I am ensnared by the lies. I am momentarily a prisoner of the darkness.



We are so incredibly blessed to have received a grace that knows no bounds and a savior who is love. For without this love, this light, this 'good', we are without hope. We are not powerful enough to combat the hatred of creation, the one who despises every part of us.

We have been saved by grace, through faith.
We have been rescued for the depths of hell.
We have been brought into the light of salvation.



The devil’s singing over me an age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently over me
He’s forgotten the refrain:


JESUS SAVES!!!

The Used....Gone soft...

I like the Used. And i'm probably one of only a few that loves their new song Smother Me.

And for anyone who was curious about the last post, I just like the song. Me and JaKing are still good.

Let me be the one who calls you baby
All the time
Surely you can take some comfort
Knowing that you’re mine
Just hold me tight, lay by my side
and let me be the one who calls you
Baby all the time

Let me be the one who never leaves
You all alone
I hold my breath and lose the feeling
That I’m on my own
Hold me too tight stay by my side
and let me be the one who calls you
Baby all the time

When I’m alone time goes so slow
I need you here with me
and how my mistakes have made
Your heart break
Still I need you here with me
Baby I’m here

I found my place in the world
Could stare at your face for the rest of
my days
How can I breathe, turn my insides out
and Smother me
Warm and alive I’m all over you
would you smother me?

A good life.

Softly Now,
You owe it to the world
And everyone knows that you're my favourite girl
But there's some things in life that are not meant to be
I'm not meant for you and your not meant for me
Here's to our problems
And here's to our fights
Here's to our achings
And here's to you having a Good life
From Me
Good Life
Softer Now,
You owe it to yourself
And don't think that you will be left on the shelf
Cause there's someone for you and there's someone for me
Like me you'll meet them eventually
Here's to your lover
And here's to my wife
Here's to your children and here's to you having a good life
From Me
Good Life

Baby Baby Baby Baby
Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby

Louder Now,
You've lost all your pain
You're married with children and happy again
And now I'm regretting the move that I made
Fatal mistakes are so easily made
Enough of my problems they only cause fights
Forget that I rang you
And promise you'll have such a
Beautifully happy and painlessly romantic
Good life
From Me
Good Life

Here's to having a good life...

The Best Defense

When it happens that a battle is upon you, you are left with two options: charge into the fight or stand your ground?

Defense or Offense?

In most battle cases, a defense means hiding behind a big brick wall and waiting to be attacked. It means constant vigil. It's a tough job. The brick wall might not hold up, you don't know how many will attack; its a risk.

Meanwhile, some would say the best defense is a good offense.

Bring the fight to the battle. Be prepared, be strong, and know full well what your getting yourself into.

Then another choice is brought into play: how will you defend yourself? what weapon will you choose? As Wes likes to discuss often, some weapons are better than others. A baseball bat never runs out of ammo. Guns can miss fire and run empty, but a sword can't fail. A strong, mighty sword can do wonders if the user is trained and can wield it well.


I want to run into battle with a weapon sharper than any double edge sword, take the fight to the battle, not hide behind a brick wall and wait for temptation to come attack. It's time to take a stand, fight the battle full on, no cowering or retreating. It's time for war, and I'm going to be ready.

No More Children. No More Pain.

Why does God speak so loudly that you cannot ignore Him?
Why does He amaze me with conviction and pain?
Why is there still fighting?


There are two girls from USC on project with me. One of them, Jessica, just happens to know two of the three guys who started Invisible Children. One of those two happened to be in her youth group growing up and is her best friends older brother.


I happened to meet a man from Ghana whilst in Korea. He told me of the spread of Islam from Northern Africa south. He told of the pain of his people, the corruption of the land, and their need for Jesus.

I met a student at Harper community college in Chicago who is a Kenyan born and raised in Uganda. His family lived in the city, so he didn't have to live in fear of being attacked nightly, but he told us that the war has affected the entire nation. They are a people living in strife, a government that is almost as corrupt and blood thirsty as the rebels they fight.

Tonight we watched Blood Diamond, a movie all about the civil war in Sierra Leone. It described the greed of men, not from Africa, but from America and Europe who lust after diamonds so much that thousands, if not millions, have been killed for the jewel. The civil war that plagued the country for years was fueled by a world desiring fancy accessories instead of peace amongst their fellow man.



God, why do you answer my prayers in such a way that you make my heart grieve for the nations in Africa?

[Isaiah 6:8]
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

Real World: Chicago

This is the true story, of twelve strangers, picked to live in a house, work together,and have their lives taped, to find out what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting real. The Real World.



Basically, that's how it feels. Except we don't have a confessional and instead of working, we evangelize. And rather than stop being polite, we have been showing nothing but love and God's been getting real with us. (But Damon is working on setting up that confessional)

So I'm living with two blonds from SoCal (the real USC), a couple Yanks, a crazy white boy from Toledo, a Texan and a Haitian from Miami. 8 girls, 3 guys, and lots of Jesus. Its crazy. I've yet to get to bed before one, most nights staying up talking till 3-4 in the am. I normally have trouble opening up to people and getting deep, but lets just say that God said I didn't have a choice. It's only been 2 weeks since I've met my new friends, but it really feels like their family that I've had for a long time. There's my new adopted older sister, Lyndsey, who is quite like my existing sister Lindsey, except this one has a nose piercing instead of a tattoo and is a track star. Then there's my sister Chisomo, who's from Zambia and praises God with an amazing passion. We've got 2 Jessica's, one from Chi-Town and the other a blond ball of spaztic energy who has a boldness for Christ I've never witnessed. My two new brothers, Damon and Wes, are more fun that I know how to handle and constantly are making me think, both about God and my life and also about zombies and body hair. The house is basically one big party.

Since getting back from Korea (which is a whole 'nother story), God has just rocked my world one day after the next. Some firsts that have occurred: beginning a conversation with the phrase "Can I talk to you about Jesus?", espionage for the Lord, public rebuking , Kim-chi, Date night with Jesus, standing in the Spit, and parque on the EL (visit here)

More or less, its been an amazing ride so far. Tune in next episode to hear about Chicago Jazz clubs, clown fish, and Wes the Korean Celebrity. And a little bit of what God's doing too.

Reasons why I know there is a God who has a plan for me

A few reasons that I believe in God:

-For my trip to South Korea/Chicago, I needed to raise 2800 dollars in support + 190$ of plane ticket to/from chicago/atlanta. Today I got 3 checks in the mail that bring my total support raised to 2985$.

-I haven't gotten to talk to Jessica in over two weeks. The first day I get a chance to call her I get off work half an hour early which means I could talk to her longer (the 6 hr time difference makes for poor talking times when you work all day).

-I have to talk to my boss at work about my job situation when I return from project. I really didn't want to talk to my direct boss, but the company president instead, but that wasn't going to look good on my part. My direct boss happens to have decided to take this week off for vacation instead of next week (like he'd planned) so I have no choice but to talk to the president now.

-I really have been looking for a way to get some more experience leading worship so I might be able to at Clemson soon, and today I got an email from my project director saying that we really need someone to sing/lead worship while we are in Chicago.



Those are just the ways I was observant of God speaking to me today. I'm sure He works like this everyday, but I don't realize it. How is God showing himself to you?

Ugly People

"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They've got nothing to lose."


We all feel like in our lives we have something to lose. Pride, money, respect, friends, cookies (ok, so that last one is just cuz i'm hungry and i just ate my last box of Dunkaroos). But in all reality, we've got nothing to lost. It is all meaningless. I watched a movie with Lindsey last night called About Schmidt. It stars Jack Nicholson, who is an amazing actor, who in the movie realizes after he retires, his wife dies, and his daughter gets married, that his life has had no purpose and it has no meaning. My pastor Mark preached about the same topic on Sunday. If you've ever read the book of Ecclesiastes, it pretty much has the same message: everything in this world is meaningless. Pleasures, wisdom, riches, the works- and this is coming from the author, Solomon, the richest, wisest man ever.

So if everything in his life was meaningless, ours is too, right? What have we got to lose? Which has lead me to a paradigm shift in my small, pathetic life. Solomon had nothing worth living for. But the difference between between him and me is Christ. So if everything apart from Christ is meaningless and not worth living for, than he is the only thing worth living for. Why do I spend day after day after day being totally consumed with my own desires and meaningless things? Everything I work for and occupy my time with, outside of God, is pointless. I'm seriously starting to question , then, what is my purpose?

What am I supposed to be doing?

Why did God give me the talents I have?

Why are all the dunkaroos gone?(sorry, still hungry.)


I could use some prayer. I think we all could. We have a lot of things in our lives that are not of God, that are of our own, or even worse, Satan's, plans and ideas. We are called to be totally consumed by God and his plan for us, his blessings for our lives. I've got a lot to think about, whether or not engineering is how I'm supposed to be spending my time, where God wants me to minister, and how can I better live a meaningful life.


So don't fight ugly people. They've got nothing to lose. Yet Christ loved the ugly people. The sick and disfigured. He gave them everything to live for. He's given me everything to live for.

Hot Cabbage

I love how God motivates and pushes you through unlikely sources and in ways that you don't imagine. I feel like God's told me in the past 3 days that I need to wake up, stop being lazy, and realize that there is more to my relationship with Him than myself and my pitiful excuses for sinning.

On a completely separate note (ok, not separate at all but absolutely related), my brother is here and he's staying a few extra day(s). I'm thoroughly pumped. Jessica was in town this weekend and I got to see her for 2 days also. For that, I am equally pumped, but now depressed that I won't see her for 2 months, unless someone wants to front me the money to fly to Spain. But I'm not regreting "us" in any way and I'm realizing I should be more thankful for that blessing.


It's almost midnight and I gots work in the am, so I leave you know, but with song lyrics (as usual):

And all these stupid silly songs
Keep trying to catch your ear
I'm trying desperately
It's just so hard to persevere
And even if you listened
I never had much to say
Cause it's the same old song
I'm written for the day

and for heath:
EVERYBODY, EVERYBODY,
EVERY BODY WANTS TO BE A CAT!

I got soul but I'm not a soldier...

Over and in, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
"With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done"
If you can hold on
If you can hold on

I doubt the Killers had Christ in mind when they wrote the song "All These Things That I Have Done", but the message speaks loudly to me. I'm so glad that God constantly speaks to me through everything and lets me know that His love covers all. I think grace is one of my favorite blessings from God.

One of my other favorite blessings is in Spain and right now its breaking my heart. It's odd, because I'm used to her being gone for weeks at a time, but knowing that she is 12 hours away instead of 4 makes it that much harder. Plus the fact that I can't talk to her daily whenever I want. I'm just ready for Friday to be here and at least see her for 2 days. Then the real fun starts....

Last night was some of the most fun I've had since being home. I forgot how much I enjoy being around my friend Katy V (we basically haven't hung out since highschool, for some reason i don't understand). I met two guys at her house who are both going to be at CM2007 and I'm quite stoked about it. I know God is going to teach me so much this summer and I'm going to grow, but right now I just wish Jess was closer. I guess its for the best, since God has a plan for everything. I just need to let it go and know that everything will be ok, no worries.

OPEN your EYES

Our God is a speaking God.


This world is spinning faster than we know
In the blur of the motion
Your light Shines through

But I close my eyes to keep from falling
Yet all I do is tumble

Your hand becomes focused
All time stands still
As you raise up my soul
Pour into me Your will


Let your mercy
Come and fill me
Wash away the despair
Make me humble
Take my sorrow
I wanna live in your love

You have given me eternal life
You say I will not perish
Cuz nothing can take me from you

In Glorious Ruin

Crusade last night was amazing. Jimmy from Clemson Pres spoke about the state of our world, and it really spoke to me. He talked about how the world is like the roman Coliseum, once a great piece of architecture that has now fallen to decay. Our world has fallen so far away from the way God meant it to be. The people are crying out because our burden is so heavy and unbearable. But its not supposed to be that way. There is so much pain and so much suffering, too many tears to count, but it is not supposed to be that way. Christ out-weighed all of the suffering of the world when He conquered death. He has given the world life where there was only despair.

And its going to change.

That is speaks so loudly to mean, screams at me. We have hope. We have a promise. This is just a shadow of the real.
"But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, the home of righteousness."
2 Peter 3:13

God is so amazing.


So put your faith in more than steel
Don't store your treasures up, with moth and rust
Where thieves break in and steal
Pull the fangs from out your heel
We live in but a shadow of the real

More Than Life

I've stumbled upon a new verse that basically has given me a new perspective on things.
Psalm 63:3-4 " Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands."
God's love is better than life. It's better than anything everything. I need to grasp that with both hands and hold on tight. His plan is better than anything I can think of, His will is more important than anything I put before Him. We are called to such a greater life and a greater purpose than I currently live. But that is changing.

The Holy Spirit is changing that within me.

Three more weeks of school, one week of exams, and then my life will change.
10 1/2 weeks till Chicago.



My Savior/He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save/ He is Mighty to save
Forever/ Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave